Mountain of Cake…

Kaleb stole my birthday cake.

I mean, the entire 1/4 sheet Carvel Ice Cream Cake.  MY ice cream cake.  Not only did he steal the damn thing – he ate it.  All of it.  Which is, to put it mildly, completely insane.  I can put that stuff away – I can sit down and eat three pieces when nobody is looking because I have a slight addiction to Carvel ice cream cakes.  But even I couldn’t put down the entire thing!  

We’ve been dealing with this midnight eating habit for more than a year now.  We’ve done everything we could think of to prevent it.  We’ve failed.  We’re at a loss.  This isn’t healthy, it certainly isn’t normal – who the hell eats an entire cake and doesn’t throw up?  


Aside from Bruce Bogtrotter – nobody, that’s who.  

To top it all off, the kid isn’t gaining weight, he’s losing it!  I thought for a minute he might have a tapeworm a couple hundred yards long, but he’s not showing any signs other than this disturbing eating habit, so that probably isn’t it.  But let me just back up the boat for a minute here, and shine some light on the history of the Monster Man’s new favorite hobby.

This all started last July.  Right before we went on vacation.  Right after we started a new medication.  At the time we figured that was too big a coincidence to actually be a coincidence.  Logically, it would make sense that just days after starting a new ADHD med he starts stocking up the sweets at night.  Entire containers of Oreos, Teddy Grahams, a dozen doughnuts, whatever he could find while everyone was sleeping seemed to be fair game.  So, with our trip up north done, we came home, called the doctor and insisted on taking him off that particular medication.

Yeahhhh that did nothing.  

How about a brief rundown on what my 6 year old, 4 1/2 foot, 55lb child has eaten in the last few months?  

  • Cookies.  Lots and lots of cookies.  I stopped buying, making, and even thinking about cookies.
  • Leah’s birthday cake (thankfully, he at least waited until after the party)
  • Bags and bags of bagels
  • Entire boxes of cereal bars, Nutri-grain bars, and poptarts
  • Entire boxes of cereal – in the last week alone he’s eaten every marshmallow out of two separate boxes of Lucky Charms (see if I buy those again)
  • A box of cake mix – yes, raw, powdery, disgusting cake mix.

And oh so much more – but there’s a pretty good idea for you.  We put locks on the refrigerator – he broke them.  We put magnetic locks on the cabinets in the kitchen that contained food (all but the pantry, which we can’t put a lock on) – he wheeled his desk chair out of his room, climbed on it to get to the top of the fridge, stole the magnetic lock, and opened the cabinets anyway.  We started hiding the lock.  He sneaks into our room to look for it.  We stacked two pressure gates on top of one another in the hallway door – he climbed them.  We put an eye hook latch on the pocket door in the hallway, and bent the heck out of the hook to make it difficult to open – he was through it by night 2.  

Got any brilliant ideas?  Because I’m fresh out.  

He ate my freaking birthday cake with his bare hands.  I’ve been cheated out of a week’s worth of deliciousness, and I have to clean the carpet.  Not cool.  

So, I did what I do best, and probably shouldn’t do at all – I asked Google.  Yep, I went ahead and set myself up for internet medical freak-out overload.  

But holy crap!  There are a bunch of parents out there going just as crazy as I am!  Who knew?!  Kaleb isn’t the only kid on the planet binge eating his way through every cabinet in the house??

Turns out, there’s this thing – yes it actually is a real thing – called SRED, AKA Sleep Related Eating Disorder.  It’s common in kids with ADHD, who are prone to sleep problems (you know, like his night terrors, apnea, and sleep walking).  I’m floored.  There is actually a thing – this could be more than him just developing some insane eating disorder because he feels like his life is out of control, or he isn’t getting his emotional needs filled (yeah, I was totally going that route next.).  

So, called a sleep specialist, called the pediatrician to get a referral to the sleep specialist (let’s just hope we don’t have the same issue we did last time), and now I’m just waiting to make an appointment.  And praying to everything and everyone that we can put an end to this before he ends up with diabetes or I end up in the nuthouse (though that does seem like quite the appealing vacation at the moment).  

There hasn’t been too much else going on this week.  Buffalo beat the Bears on Sunday and I now to get spend the rest of the season needling my husband about how my “pathetic” team beat his team on his home turf for the first time in history (insert evil laugh here!).  My mom, sister, some friends and I went to Cassadega on Saturday and chased ghosts (okay, really we spent most of the time chasing cocktails, but it was my birthday party, so that’s acceptable).  But, more on that later!  For now I have to go do damage control on my house, since the boys clearly had a lot of fun this weekend, and there isn’t a single room that wasn’t affected.  And it’s not like I have any cake that needs eating.